The Family Soul
Bert Hellinger from the Holding Love Seminar
Soul is a force that directs us and unites us both at the same time. Now if we experience ourselves to be directed; let us say the body is directed and united by one force and that is soul. This force transcends our body and unites us with other people, for instance with our family. The family behaves as if it had a soul of its own; compared to the soul that we feel as our soul. And so the family is directed by that soul and is united by that soul. We can actually see and experience who belongs to a family, to a family soul and who does not. We only have to watch who is affected by the family soul and who is not. From experience we can say the following persons are encompassed by the family soul: the parents and their children, then the brothers and sisters of the parents and the grandparents. These are the main people effected by the family soul.
Further back, one or the other of the great grandparents and probably further, others who we don’t know, who effect us still, especially those who were excluded or had a very hard fate. People that killed, for instance, they work on in the family for a long time. Now these are the relatives who belong to the family soul. In addition, all those who had to suffer so that others in the family had an advantage, belong to the family soul. For instance, former partners of parents and grandparents belong to the family soul. They are victims of family members and they effect the family soul. In the family soul there are certain laws operating: Orders of Love. The first one of these is, each member of that family, whether by birth or connected by suffering where the others had an advantage; all of those have the same right to belong. Therefore, if one of them is excluded or forgotten, then the family soul tries to restore the completeness, to make the incompleteness full again.
For instance, by forcing a member in a later generation to repeat the life and the fate of those who were excluded or forgotten. If for instance a child was stillborn and was not even given a name but buried and was forgotten; then somebody else in the family may take up to represent this family member later on. Perhaps, they may become ill and may die; because it imitates the fate of this family member. And in order to evade these consequences, it is important that all those members are acknowledged as members of the family. Then these effects won’t take place. This is the first Law. That’s why in family constellations we always look for the missing people, those who have been excluded.
The second law is that there is in a family and urge to balance benefit and loss. If in a family some members are ill or handicapped; then the others try to balance by becoming like them. They don’t dare then to be healthy and to keep their health if other members of the family are ill. And in family constellations, we look for balance on a higher order. For instance, if the healthy members of the family acknowledge that they are healthy, while the others are ill and then the healthier ones tell the others, I honor your fate, for me you are my brother my sister and because I am healthy you can rely on me if you need me. Then they can keep their health because they balance on a higher level.
The third law is one of seniority. That means that those who became members of the family at an earlier time take precedence over others who were born later. That’s why parents take precedence over the children. The first born has precedence over the second born and so on. That means that those who cam later have no right to interfere in the affairs of those who came before them. That’s why a child must not try to make up for or to atone for the guilt of his parents; or to revenge somebody who has suffered an injustice. These things must be left to those who really suffered it. And no one of a later generation may take that up. That’s why in family constellations you may see that we try to separate those of later generations from those who came before them. These are the three main orders of love working in a family soul. Now the soul reaches far beyond the family as well, but this is a subject that we will take up later on.
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