BERT HELLINGER ON ANGER
FROM LOVE’S OWN TRUTHS
There are several different kinds of anger.
For example, if someone attacks me or does me an injustice and I react appropriate anger and rage, this anger enables me to defend and assert myself energetically and effectively. It enables me to act. It is constructive and it makes me strong. This kind of anger is to the point and it dissolves when it has reached its goal.
I may also become angry because I realize that I’ve not accepted what I could, or that I’ve not demanded what I ought to have demanded, or that I’ve not asked for what I could have asked for. Instead of asserting myself and taking what I need, I become angry with the persons from whom I have not taken or asked or demanded, although I could have or ought to have taken or asked or demanded from them. It has a paralyzing and weakening effect and often lasts a long time.
Anger, as a substitute for love, works in a similar way. Instead of expressing my love, I become angry with the person I love. This sort of anger goes back to childhood when it was caused by a painful interruption of a movement toward my father or mother. It is repeated in similar situations later in life and derives its power from the repitition of the early experience.
I sometimes become angry with someone because I’ve wronged that person but don’t want to admit it. I use this anger as a defense against the consequences of my actions, and I make the other person responsible for my guilt. This anger is also a substitute for action. It enables me to remain in active. It paralyzes me and makes me weak.
I may become angry when someone gives me so much that I cannot repay the debt. That’s hard to bear, getting too much that is good, and I become angry with the giver as a means of defending myself against the obligation to compensate. This kind of anger is expressed in the form of blame, for example, when children blame their parents. It functions as a substitute for taking, accepting indebtedness, thanking and acting with gratitude. It paralyzes those who experience it and leaves them empty. Or it may take the form of depression, which also serves as a substitute for taking, accepting and giving. It may also be expressed as a long-lasting sadness after separation, particularly if I still owe acceptance or gratitude or fail to acknowledge my own guilt and its consequences to someone who has died or left. Sometimes people are filled with anger they have taken over from someone else. For example, when a participant in a group suppresses anger, another member of the group (usually the weakest one) subsequently becomes angry for no apparent reason. In families, the weakest member is a child. When, for example, the mother suppresses his anger toward her husband, one of the children often become angry with the father in her stead.
The weakest member of a group or a family often becomes not only the instrument, but also the target, of anger. For example, when people suppress anger toward a superior, they often take it out on a weaker person in a company. Or when a husband suppresses his anger towards his wife, a child becomes the target of his anger.
Or a daughter may vent her mother’s anger toward her husband, not on her father, but on someone with whom she is on a more equal footing, such as her own husband. In groups, a weaker member of the group becomes the scapegoat for this assumed anger rather that the stronger person, the therapist or group leader, for whom it was originally intended. Those who have taken anger on have a specific quality of rage and feel proud and righteous, but they are acting with alien energy and alien righteousness and remain ineffective and weak. The victims of assumed anger also feel strong in their righteous indignation, but, in fact, the remain weak and their suffering is pointless.
Finally, their is the anger that is virtuous and beneficial. It is strong, wakeful, centered and assertive, and is directed towards appropriate goals. It is enlightened and courageous, and capable of facing up to hard and powerful adversaries. But it is without emotion. Persons experiencing this kind of anger do not shrink from harming others when necessary, but they are not angry with the person in question. This aggression is pure strength. It is the fruit of long discipline and practice, but it comes easily to those who are capable of it.
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